I have a tapeworm that looks like an alien

I meant to post this summer. I really did. I made interesting foods that I wanted to post about and also went to interesting places that I wanted to talk about. Like when I went to the zoo and saw a giraffe kick an ostrich. Literally. Or when I made homemade noodles for the first time because I overspent on our grocery budget at Costco and couldn’t buy noodles. Who doesn’t overspend at Costco anyways? Oh, by the way, the Guy and I made a lot of dumplings. And it was fun! And I’ve been reading a lot of books, and I thought about writing book reviews too, but never did. Anyways. Part of the reason that I haven’t posted either is because I’ve had something on my mind a whole lot and I didn’t really know what to say about it or how about to talk about it:

I have a tapeworm and it looks like an alien.

When I first told a friend that I had a tapeworm, she told me that it wasn’t true and that I was imagining it. Which.. is very plausible for me. I imagine all kinds of strange diseases all the time. But what I’m really trying to say, I guess, is that I have a figurative tapeworm, but it really does look like an alien.

In other words, I’m pregnant.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to tell people that I’m pregnant. Guy’s mom told us that we should wait about 100 days before telling people. So… it’s been about 100 days. I actually really don’t want to tell people. At least in person. Or even through a text. Although I have started to. And you may wonder why I’m posting about it on the big, wide Internet if I didn’t want to tell anyone. But part of it is because I wanted to talk about my thoughts, and my blog is about my crazy thoughts anyways. So back to telling people about the baby.

I didn’t want to. What I really wanted to do was to not tell anyone, and when I started showing and if people would ask me, just get offended and say something along the lines of, “Just because things have been stressful recently and I’ve been eating a lot and put on some weight does not mean that you can just waltz up to me and ask me if I’m pregnant. Thanks for making my life more stressful!” Something along those lines. And then one day be like, “Oh, actually, I’ve been pregnant this whole time and here is the baby! Ta-da!” The Guy thought that that was not a good idea. He said that people would probably be offended by that. I suppose that’s true.

And then I decided that I would just not tell anyone and if someone asked, then I would be honest and say yes. And that would be the end of it. But the Guy says that we really should be more considerate and polite and tell people ourselves before I started showing. I told him that he only wanted to tell people because it was social etiquette.

And it is!

I was trying to think of the reasons I didn’t want to tell people. I guess part of it is because I don’t feel pregnant. It doesn’t feel super real to me. I guess the only thing is that I’m hungry a lot. But I’ve always been hungry a lot. And I’ve always loved to sleep too. I don’t look pregnant. And telling people feels so anticlimactic (at least it seems so in my head). “I’m pregnant! You can’t tell and I don’t feel like it but it’s true! You’ll have to wait months to see the baby too.” Sigh. I also like the idea of having a big secret that no one else in the world knows about. Except our family, but I originally didn’t want to tell them either. I waited for a while before deciding that we should probably do that. I’m so weird and the Guy has been so patient and wading through my muddy thoughts on this with me. Is that part of pregnancy?

I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately. Mostly because I’m trying to figure out how to tell people. It feels awkward. I asked someone I knew who had a baby before and therefore had experience for advice. She said it wouldn’t be awkward. But then I told someone else, and it totally felt awkward! It’s so awkward! How are people supposed to respond to that?! (I guess congratulations would be the right response…)

The Guy said that I would feel less awkward after telling a few people. Sigh.

So I’ve been practicing. I’ve been trying different ways to tell people. Umm, of the three people that I’ve told. (…well, one doesn’t count because I was supposed to be asleep when it happened?? So two??) And I think I like telling people that I have a tapeworm that looks like an alien. Because 1) the baby is stealing nutrients from me, like a tapeworm, and 2) babies in the womb look like aliens. Actually, newborn babies look like aliens too. Unless they are fat, as my friend told me. And she said that babies look like aliens because they grow in liquid. That made sense to me. Which made me wonder if our popular depictions of aliens really stem from some deep fear of babies. Maybe, right?

If this post made you feel like I’m not happy to be pregnant, I really am. I’m delighted, as is the Guy. We are very, very excited. I guess I’m just really bad at sharing news and have communication issues.

So… I guess if you read this, you can tell people? Of the very, very few people who actually read the blog and know me, rather than the random people who are constantly coming to this site to look at my samurai hairstyle post, which I think is absurd (the post and the fact that so many people are interested in that subject).


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