I’m going to let ya’ll in on a little secret of mine. Depending on who you are, you may or may not have heard me griping about this particular ailment that I have. But now that I think about it… I do have a tremendous number of ailments. This one, in particular is fascinating, as I’m pretty sure I’ve found the cure for cancer. And it’s an ailment at the same time. Strange, isn’t it?
Are you ready for this one? This is going to sound pretty far fetched, I know. Here it is.
My secret is: I have a zombie stomach.
I bet you really want to know why I have a zombie stomach. It’s actually not that fascinating of a tale. But it makes perfect obvious sense. Here we go. I hope you can follow this exquisite turn in logic.
I get hungry. I’m sure you get hungry too, but my kind of hunger is completely different from yours. How? Well, when I get hungry I’m pretty convinced that my stomach is eating me inside out. That’s how hungry I get. People never seem to believe me though. I wonder why.
Later on I realized that what was happening (this is the part that makes perfect sense) is that my stomach was eating my other organs. That’s obviously what hunger pains really are. The only real conclusion I could come to was that my stomach is a zombie that eats other parts. It hurts when your organs are getting eaten. But I am still a fully functioning human being (more or less). Here is where I realized I’ve found the cure to cancer. Obviously, my organs are growing at an abnormally accelerated rate, and my zombie stomach is taking care of that extra growth by eating it. Yes. Perfect sense, right? I’ve found the cure to cancer!
Of course, what all zombies really want to eat are brains. I don’t think they’re too interested in all that organ stuff. That’s like an appetizer for the main course. Don’t believe me? You really ought to play Plants vs. Zombies. But here, I’ll help you out.
I think my zombie stomach is trying to get to my brain to eat it. But it has to get through all my other organs first. Good thing I’ve got cancer to stop it from getting to my brains.
Anyways, here is an anatomically correct illustration of what I probably look like (more or less) from the inside:
Anyways, the point is (besides the fact that I have a zombie stomach) that I’ve found the cure for cancer. According to a very authoritative source (because Dr. McNinja would never lie), the cure for cancer is hidden on Mars. And what does that make me? It’s okay, you can say it out loud. By logic, my zombie stomach is the cure for cancer. And the cure for cancer is hidden on Mars. That must make me… yes, you’ve got it. I’m Mars, by the way. Sometimes I go by the name of Ares, but I don’t really like being the pagan god of war that much, so I only adopt those personas very rarely. You know you don’t want to make me angry, right?
So there you have it. I guess my little secret was really three secrets all bundled up into one. Now you know who I really am and all my extreme medical conditions. Just make sure you keep it a secret, okay? I don’t want people trying to take my zombie stomach away from me.